Bear with me if I have already given you the run down on the lawyer but for those of you who haven’t here’s a brief history.

I was in Kumasi for a funeral, that weekend was a colleague of mines wedding. As I was unable to attend the wedding (details to follow), I made a special effort to go to the bachelors party the night before.

I went to Kumasi with my cousins. The whole family was up there and the house was full so we had to check in at a local hotel, I say hotel as it had a bed, air-condition unit and shower, but I don’t think there were any stars attached, but hey it was cheap and I wasn’t expecting Golden Tulip standards.

After having a few drinks at a local spot, I managed to convince the boys to go to the bachelors night (the lure of free alcohol did it). We got there around 8, there was hardly anybody there, the bachelor wasn’t even around but there was some crates of guinness and star beer and some liquor on the table so as the hillbillies we are, we tucked in. People started drifting in one by one, the DJ arrived (late of course), but by the time I was rather tipsy, the party was flowing nicely.

This is where I met the lawyer. He was tall, not physically stunning but I admired his intellect, we got chatting, he told me he was a lawyer, 30 (although he looked a lot older, but I look a lot younger so we kind of complimented each other). He seemed nice enough. After the bachelors party ended we went on to Vienna City for a boogie and a shot of tequila and observed the kumasi girls after dark (shocking moves these girls were making, even I had to close my eyes at one point, they had obviously been practising the dance moves of the video ho’s on MTV).

We said our goodbyes at about 1am, exchanged numbers, and I said I would catch up with him at the wedding reception. I went to the funeral on Saturday, quite hungover as were the rest of my cousins. We made it through however, and at around 4, changed and made my way to the wedding reception. However, by the time I got there, it was only the cleaning staff that were still there. My colleague didn’t waste any time I could see. After the I do’s it was a quick stop at the reception, a few speeches, toast to the bride and groom, chop and go. I always assumed that Kumasi folk were like my fathers, at 4 people would be up and dancing, this would go on into the night, but then again, I don’t think my father has realized that he is a 60 something year old man. But I digress.

I arranged to meet the lawyer at Golden Tulip for dinner. I turned up fashionably late, not through my own fault, I was waiting for my ride and my cousin had gone out with the only car we had and as I don’t know Kumasi too well to drive around, all I could do was wait.

Dinner was nice, we sat by the poolside and ate. I always find Golden Tulip Kumasi a lot nicer than the one in Accra, it just seems a lot calmer. The conversation was going well, I did find him a bit boastful though when he talked about how great a lawyer he was. He studied in London at BPP law school and is a member of the “honarable” Lincoln fields inn. I studied my law degree at BPP Law school so couldn’t impress me with that one. My best friend was a barrister in london (she has now gone back to the Cayman Islands), I worked for a prosecutions office in london where 90% of the legal staff were either barristers or training to be, hell, the only reason why I am not a qualified lawyer now is I decided to come here to Ghana than do another 2 years of study, so his bragging didn’t phase me. He then started talking about his family. Gushed over his mum, that she was is hero. I didn’t have a problem with that, mummy’s boy ok fine, but when he told me that no woman would ever match up to his mother, I started to think twice about this dude.

After the meal we went and got a cab back, there he kissed me. I say kiss. It was more of a slober. I didn’t see stars, I didn’t get the butterflies in my stomach, and I was still thinking about how much of a mummy’s boy he was, but I still tried to push it to the back of my mind and thought I would give it a try.

When we got back to Accra we didn’t really get to see much of each other. He had to go to Tamale (by plane he told me) for a hearing and then I had to go on a business trip to Nigeria (what do you know, by plane too). We met up once before I left, he came over one late night, started groping and slobbering and I just thought ewww. Then he asked me, what turns me on. I thought to myself hang on mate, we’ve only just met, but I didn’t say anything, just ignored the question, then made an excuse that I was tired so that he would leave.

We eventually met up shortly before smother arrived. He came to see me but I was getting ready to go out. He started groping and slobering. I really couldn’t deal with it at that point. Any doubts I had about me and this guy were confirmed. We were just not compatible. For me, I don’t need a stunning D’Angelo circa 1995 kind of guy (although he did have abs to die for), a mix of friendship, mutual respect and sexual attraction is good for me (then there’s the job and ambition). My sexual attraction for this guy was zero and he was just all hands it was starting to get annoying. So I pulled away and tried to make light conversation. I told him my mum was coming and I need to do a few things around the house, would he mind helping me out. “Darling, I don’t do handy work, I only do Law”. Then Law your way out of my house I thought to myself.

Then he says to me, he thinks I have a complex. Me, I am not the one who defines myself by my occupation. That’s when I had enough and said I had to go.

I haven’t heard from him since, thank the Lord, but at least he was single.

This morning, I get a call from my dad’s friend. He has a lawyer friend who he’d like me to meet. I’m hoping history doesn’t repeat itself.