I was listening to the radio, sister sister on Citi FM, my colleague sent me an sms to listen. I tuned in to hear a discussion about being single in your 30s. I guess he was fed up with me going on about being single still and his subtle way of giving advice.

It was an interesting show, although it was the usual, don’t look too desperate, don’t go looking for a partner because you want to be married with kids, but because you want a partner, let your partner be your best friend, the usual, we know, but we still pick the wrong guys and pick out wedding dresses after the first date and it all ends up in tears in a few months.

One thing that did strike a chord is when they spoke about marriage and parenting. The lady speaker said marriage is not about having babies. You want to get married because you love and want to be with that person and the children part should be a bonus. A child wants to have two parents but not only that, they want see their two parents are in love with each other.

As I said over the christmas my uncle and aunt celebrated 50 years of marriage. They have three girls and two boys. When you look at the girls you will find that each of them have found guys who it is evident love them in the same way their dad loves their mum. Your father or that father figure in your first male relationship so it is inevitable that consciously or subconsciously you will tend to find attractive those qualities that he has, a kind of reverse oedupus complex I guess.

For the past 10 or so years I have had to listen to my mother tell me that she is only with my dad because of us, I have seen also how she is desperately tried to cling on to something which has long since gone. I wish that things are different but both feel that they have compromised too long and both don’t want to compromise any longer. I wish they would just make themselves happy, for whatever the reason they are really together, they are far from role models of what I kind of relationship I would want to be in 30 years from now.

My tendency has gone towards the pretty boy, aloof, not emotionally all there and I have desperately tried to keep a relationship going when it clearly wasn’t meant to be. A strange coincidence or history repeating itself.

I know I’ve probably told this story before but when I heard this chat show today, it was like the guest host had been observing me for the past 30 something years. It certainly reinforced that food for thought so I thought I would share it with you all too.

So I know what I’ve got to do, the question is, will I do it, I will wait and seen, but as I keep saying, I am not going to get married for the sake of it, that is non-negotiable. The other thing is that love starts with me. So while I’m waiting, I will do loving me.

For tonight, I live my life vicariously through gossip girl.

The journey continues