A friend of mine recently informed me that she has split up from her husband. It is very sad when you hear such things especially when there is a child involved. They had not been married that long, I don’t know the details and it is not my matter to discuss but it has to have been pretty bad for her to start all over again at such a young age and with a 1 year old in tow.
It has got me thinking though, how long do you have to know someone before you can be sure to take that leap especially once you have hit that 30 mark. If you do decide to take that leap also, and things are not working, what makes one say, enough is enough, you go your way and I’ll go mine.
It took 6 years, a physical fight, a shoe thrown and within a fraction of hitting me, a couple of violent outbursts and an insult directed towards me and my recently deceased grandmother for me to say, this can’t be the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Don’t get me wrong, I had an inkling that this wasn’t the man for me probably 24 hours after we met, but I mistook his arrogance for confidence, then I became a statistic thinking “he will change”, I made all the excuses in the world, then I started running out of excuses and came to my senses. Which is probably why I am so tough now. The slightest trait similarity between any guy and my ex and I’m like bye, bye, there’s the door, don’t let it hit you on the way out. Although I am still attracted to a slight arrogance, I am learning to tell the difference between the two.
But if and when I do find that someone, when can I confidently say, I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. A week, a month, a year, yeah the one is out there, but time is ticking and I don’t want to be taking my child to school and people ask if I’m their grandmother. I also don’t want to hold out too long that I am remembered as being a beautiful woman in my hey day, it is a shame that I never married, all because I was too picky or took too long to decide. But at the same time I don’t want to just settle. Feel that time is moving fast without me and so hope into bed so to speak with the first guy to utter those 4 magic words “will you marry me”.
Then there are those that are married and unhappily married at that. Do you stay together for the sakes of appearances and the kids. If he whores it around town, do you turn a blind eye to it all, and say to yourself “well at least he comes home to me at the end of the day”. What if he loses his job and looks like he isn’t in a hurry to look for a new one, do you stay silent and say “well at least he’s at home”. Another point with my ex is that after spending all his student loan on getting a degree and a masters degree he ended up as a security guard. I have no issue with that as he had to pay the bills, but he went into it because his friend told him that it was easy pay, and he didn’t have to do much. Well he certainly didn’t. He loved the morning shift as he could go to the local off license and buy 6 cans of Stella Artois for a fiver and from 4pm when he got in until 8pm when I would come in from work and my evening class he would drink until he passed out, and still expect me to go to the kitchen and get us something to eat.
He then got into an accident at work, tried to chase a thief out into the car park and nearly got himself run over. A year later after a full recovery he was still in the same seat I left him. Two years later when he was fit enough to play football if he wanted to, and I had completed my Law degree he was still in the same seat I left him. I later found out he was actually working, some girl in East London, resulted in a baby girl. Funny thing is, I would have left him years ago had it not have been for the accident and he wasn’t working, but when I did eventually get my arse into gear and out the door, he thought it was because of the accident and he was not working. I was even crazy to stay as long as I did, if I was heartless I would have shipped out before he even left the hospital. Relationships are not easy but this one was too much hard work and the only regret I had when I did go was that I didn’t go sooner. However I went through that rotten relationship so I would appreciate when a good one comes along. He is probably the right guy for someone, just not me.
But that is my past and I look to the future. I take inspiration from one of my very best friends. She managed to get her happy ever after, like me, it was not easy to get to that chapter and I know it hasn’t been easy. I remember the day she told me about him, you would have thought it was me, I was that chuffed. It wasn’t a long courtship and they got engaged and later married. What I love about her is that it wasn’t about the wedding, for her it was about the marriage. It wasn’t a lavish affair and I’m not mad at her for not being her maid of honour (lol), a simple affair and then the rest of their lives. It was almost instantaneous, but I know she is not the kind of person to take these decisions lightly.
As a another friend said to me, when you meet the one you just know, so if I am not second guessing myself, then I am sure he’s the one, it will not be perfect, it will be work but it will be rewarding.
Anyway, I think I’ve just been bitten by a mosquito and he is taunting me at that, I can hear his buzzing in my ear so time to go inside me thinks and get me prepared for the week ahead.
LOVED this post. I am just catching up on my favourite blog on the internet after a crazy week at work.
I know what you mean when you query whether it is ‘arrogance or confidence’ in a guy. I believe the Americans call it “swag” or “swagger”, and the right dose can be attractive and downright sexy. That being said, the issue is whether the man in question has the right combination of ‘swag’ and confidence. Though related, the two are most certainly distinct, and must be present in the correct quantities. Too much swag can be an indicator of insufficient confidence in a guy. Naa mean? 🙂
I too am a firm believer that lessons regarding past relationships that did not work out are firm life lessons which nudge (or push) you in the right direction. But hindsight being what it is, one tends not to see the lesson (or grasp the full meaning of all it) until much much later.
I have no doubt your Prince will come, but as everyone always says, it is that small matter of patience that must be overcome. Be aware of your standards and what you have to offer, as well as your non-negotiables. Then take it from there. I have found that some things which used to be on the ‘non-negotiable’ side of the list, have changed with time and maturity. But everyone’s needs and personality is different.
Anyway, I am sure that friend of yours continues to pray for you that you meet the right one. You never know, she might just be planning a ‘big bash’ wedding anniversary which she could not imagine having without you.
She is a good friend, with all the craziness that goes on in my life I have hope because I have friends which are more than sisters to me, my adorable friend is my one constant and she tells it to me straight when I am ‘f***ing up’..lol
Glad you’re enjoying the read x