I have been really out of it since monday. A bit of a cold, time of the month, and home with my thoughts has made me very depressed. Not just down, but not able to get out of bed, don’t talk to me, haven’t seen the shower out of it. It just felt that the world was changing but I had not moved an inch and I am one of life’s worrier’s, the more I think, the more I sink deeper into the pit of depression, and the more difficult it is to claw my way back up. It didn’t help that this Nii character called on Monday (Nii the lech with the really untidy overgrown beard), he said I came off a bit bitter when he asked me if I want to hang out and then asked me if my mum was still here. I told him if that was a hint at coming to hang out at my place he can think again as I wasn’t really happy with his manners the last time. He said sorry, the type of sorry that a guy says just to shut you up but when really he doesn’t see what your issue is. The kind of sorry that I wasn’t going to accept. This guy practically molested me the last time he came to “hang out” at my house, worse still he molested me for free, didn’t even bring a bottle of coke and this was the first time I met him. I feel dirty just thinking about the incident. Well anyway, he sends me a text at about 11 last night to say I sounded bitter he doesn’t know why. I didn’t see it until 2am. I responded that I was not bitter just being honest. I didn’t appreciate being molested on our first meeting and I just thought he should know and so there is no point apologising if he doesn’t know what he’s apologising for. The usual girlie stuff. You guys, really we are not that complicated. If you don’t know something ask. If you’re not sorry also, don’t bother say it. Really, I wouldn’t have said anything had he not wanted to “hang out”, I was very prepared to forget that I had met him and his groping arms. I had avoided him pretty well in the months since I first met him, must be about two months now, I don’t know why he didn’t get the hint then or even when I spent the whole evening pushing his hands away and folding my arms up against my chest. If I am not bitter, just the vision of the unshaven beard and the lecherous hands still haunts me. Well anyway, it’s up to him what he thinks of me and my bitterness. I am tired of wasting my time with guys who I clearly have any connection and waiting for it to come. No, he can think what he likes and say what he likes, he’s just not my type. Really I thought it was we ladies who didn’t know when to wake up and smell the coffee, but some of you guys are something. Is it a male ego thing or something? You always have to be the dumper so when a girl tells you that she doesn’t like you and this is the reason why, she must be the one with issues?
No matter how I tried to shake it off it wasn’t happening. But then I got an email, my dear friend updating me on her new life. It made me smile. She is still just as crazy as she’s always been, still has the same worries she had when I met her 6 years ago, sometimes I want to bang her head against the wall and tell her that she has it all, what is her problem, but I am sure she would do the same for me. If we were to put ourselves together, my good points with hers, we’d be the perfect woman with the perfect life, but that’s why we are here because of our imperfections. I was sitting at my spot yesterday evening, thinking as I approach my 35th year on this earth, is this it. Is this my destiny and I am shy to say it but have to say it out loud to shame myself into not having these thoughts again, I wanted out. If this was it, I’ve done it all and wanted it to be the end. Then this email came through.
She had the usual complaints that a woman has, thighs are too big, needs to get more exercise in. But it just made me smile. A couple of years ago, she was where I am now, complaints about her job and apprehensive about turning the half way to 40 mark, and now here pops up this email, even though she wasn’t so happy about the effect of eating less salad and more “black folks food”, she still sounded happy it was a positive self criticism, I didn’t have to tell her that she is gorgeous with legs to die for and beautiful skin (she really has legs to die for. If I could steal anything from her it would be that and she is one of those biyatches (said with love) that has beautiful toned skin and not a pimple in sight, if I am secretly mad at her for that but I will never tell her). This email didn’t make me want to bang her head against the wall, she sounds happy, she has a positive spring in her step, and I think some of it has rubbed off onto me, well I’m trying anyway. Its a struggle, I basically have to give myself a pep talk to get me up but I smiled for the first time in 3 days last night, it’s a bit like she threw down a ladder so its now up to me to climb back up.
So I’m at the hospital this morning getting myself a doctors note, I will go back to the office tomorrow, but don’t want to antagonise the boss, so doing everything by the book. I want to go back in tomorrow with a fresh attitude, I can’t change the world, but can change other people’s opinion of me so that’s what I gots to do.
So I’m here, seems like one of those days when the world and their mother seems to be sick. I picked up card 21, the lady called out number 89. A long way to go. Finally she calls number 20. Calls again, and you would think that if by the 3rd time, nobody answers that there isn’t a number 20 but actually it takes 5 attempts before the receptionist gets the message it seems.
So I am here, I sit here and wait, I have already been here an hour and I hope to get back to the house before lunchtime otherwise I will get caught in the lunchtime traffic. In the meantime I will browse on facebook and find inspiration for my next blog, I have spoilt a few of my friends morning pattern so hope a few reads today will make up for me going MIA.
Sometimes being “MIA” is necessary just to clear the mind and reflect on a few things. But I am so glad the e-mail you speak of came at a time you needed it. I know that you are much loved and have good friends and family around you. The rest will work itself out.