Since I have come back from London, I have not been so alone anymore. Smother is back, with all her smothering ways and so I have been going out a lot more. Mainly to my local, but also to a couple of weddings, parties, even took a trip out to the beach. With that, I am touching base with old friends, meeting friends that I have only spoken to through this blog or facebook (although that has now been disconnected) and I have been making the odd new friend too.
I was talking to one of my new friends last night at our local. We were talking about the gap in the single male market. Especially as you get older, the gap seems to be practically minute for those of us wanting to get married. Your options are a younger man, or in my case a younger man with psychological/possible spiritual issues. There are still some single guys who around the 35-45 issues but what is there a divorcee, a player, a mama’s boy (like the one who just will not let go of mummy’s breast), the single guy who has kids all over the shop, the guy with daddy issues (father left when he was young, I have dated two of them, they have issues), the guy who is busy doing nothing, the commitment-phobic. Then there are the married guys, a married man, some of them are hoes, some of them are really nice guys, but at the end of the day, they are somebody else’s portion.
Once you have hit the hill that is 35, the options are very few and as you go further down the hill especially when the old biological clock is ticking, it is a case of, do I just marry that player for the sakes of it, or do I find that nice married guy whose “wife doesn’t understand him” and have a baby. It is especially difficult when you are in this country, the good ones were taken by the time they barely hit puberty, even the bad ones are taken, so it is just left with the guy who is a potential fraudster (although I am sure it won’t be long until he cons an unsuspecting victim who just wants to get married).
The funny part of it is that me, sitting in my local, thinking of myself, not disturbing anyone and has a listening ear. I seem to be a magnet for married men. But why wouldn’t I, I can hang out like one of the boys, I have the potential to do things in the bedroom that can blow a man’s mind and after that I will cook you a good meal. The married guys, well you will get 1 and 3 no doubt from me, and so they fantasize about number 2 and then I get a lot of “if only I had met you….”. But when I think about it, I am the way I am now because I have made those mistakes in a relationship that you are experiencing now. The only problem is that I didn’t go on to marry that guy. I have been in more fights than Mike Tyson and I have seen what my parents, and other family members have gone through to know what I should and shouldn’t do in a relationship. I have been with someone who was attracted to me because I could be one of the boys but then used that same issue against me when he grew tiresome of me. I have been through it all in my 37 years, so now I am mellow and I have the time to listen, and if you don’t get food to chop at home, feel free to come over for lunch.
But had you met me all those years ago, maybe I would have been a different story. Maybe I would have had the attitude that whatever he does, he is coming home to me. Maybe after an argument I would refrain from cooking, having sex, and the other wifely duties. Maybe I would take it for granted that you are the father of my kids so whatever I say/do, you are not going anywhere. Maybe I would stop making myself look attractive because I don’t need to impress anyone. Maybe after 2 or 3 kids I would not care to lose those extra pounds because why bother. I would like to think that I would be the way I am now. That I would be that every woman, a great mum, wife and still be great at my job, but how many of those are around, and really, something usually suffers, unfortunately, most of the time (not all though) it is likely that the husband takes the worst end and then they turn to the likes of me to get what they are not getting at home.
So what happens, for those “lucky” few, the married guy divorces the wife and then what you become that wife, and if you are not lucky, you become the “wife”. Everything that was wrong in that relationship is now wrong in this one. Honestly, my feelings on that matter, very few married men will give up that “status”, they just want to have the cake and eat what they are not getting at home, but at the end of the day, he goes back home, because at the end of the day, he made that bed.
It really is tempting, you have a guy, and you get all the good parts. He takes you to nice places, the two of you talk, you laugh, you can be yourself, but then those ugly emotions start creeping in. Is it worth it? Yes you are intimate but you don’t have to do it as and when and you do it because the mood takes you and not because you are obliged to. However, there is going to be a time when he takes the family on holiday, his wife gets sick on the same day as you do. Although you will understand, you will feel some way. It’s tempting for the short term but then unless you have resigned yourself to the fact that this is your situation and it’s better than nothing, is it worth it?
Well I keep on praying and hoping and wishing that even though the gap is almost closed, and it is not completely shut off, and I am not led into temptation just to have someone in my life. Hey I only need one single man after all. But preferably one that is relatively normal with not too many issues. Am I asking for too much?
Sad to read your last two blog posts. We have all this modern technology, global world, massive in-equality, etc., yet still people just want to live a peaceful life, have a family, grow old and hand over to the next generation. Not being successful so unable to advise, but being true to yourself is the only option. Have faith in God’s will! 🙂