Before you start reading this, I have to warn you now that this is a dark one. Sorry for the prolonged silence and sorry that my first blog after so many months is so morbid and depressing but it is what it is. My blog has always been about how I am adjusting in this environment.

You may also think “if it’s that bad then why don’t you go home then”. I have been thinking about it myself, a lot lately and my current circumstance is not really helping. Yet, I don’t know, if it wasn’t for the fact that I am so broke, I could actually hack it here, but I am just so broke, I don’t even know what to do with myself.

This week, I have been getting a lot of “cheer up” and “think about the people who are in a worst situation then you are”. I think when people say those things it’s more the case that I am making them feel uncomfortable then actually really wanting me to cheer up. What grates me the most is people saying that we don’t have money. Sorry, I don’t care, whether someone is in a worse situation to me or if you don’t have money it doesn’t help me. When I have to forego simple necessities like erm, food because I have to get to work the next day, it’s a big problem.

For a while, I was getting by, living on hand outs from people well-wishers, but you know, when you begin to rely on those people as a source of income, they tend to stay away. The one’s you used to see every day suddenly find they are very busy. Those who used to invite you for a drink after work, forget to call you. I can’t blame them, they have got their own issues to deal with and nobody asked me to move to Ghana, buy a house, or buy my car. I made that choice, but sorry too if I make you feel uncomfortable and if you can’t help then don’t mind me wallowing in my self-pity.

What has made a bad situation worse is that I changed jobs part way through the month. As you know that job barely paid my way in the first place and I was already juggling which bills I was going to pay. I decided to use this month to pay them off, well I didn’t have a choice really as I was cut off from those amenities. That has meant that I have delayed on the mortgage and well I can’t expect my new employer to pay me a dime when I haven’t brought in so much as a nickel to the company.

Smother told me before she left that I shouldn’t ask for any money unless it’s a ticket home, so asking for help is just an invite to pack up and go. I have exhausted all my venues for help and well most people are avoiding me any, so what do I do.

Going home, well I was as depressed there as I am now and I was getting a decent salary, but it seems that the longer I stay here I lose my value. I am seen as just another local and just to kick me while I am down, I am told that I am not worthy of a decent salary, so it’s kind of a catch 22. Stay and be broke and miserable or go back and be alright and miserable.

It’s got so bad that it made me think of those people that top themselves. Don’t worry it hasn’t got that bad, but especially when you have been on top and to have the rug pulled right from under you, not because you did anything bad or are a bad person but just because you made an error in judgement. You so desperately want to believe there will be better days, but in that moment, you just want the pain and despair to end. Trust me, I don’t want to feel this way, believe it or not, I do actually want to smile again, but right now, when I put together the pros and cons of my life in Ghana today. Well, it makes me think of England, but all I can think of over there is that right now it’s cold and a Mother who thinks that she can run my life. If she doesn’t get her way, she will tell anyone who will listen to advise me to co, me round to her way of thinking. Plus with the cold and my frustrations with life already, well it could be that final nail on the coffin. So no, right now London is not an option. I will think about it again after I start getting paid and when it gets warmer over there, but today, I just need to find a way to get by because even if I left right now, I am still in arrears.

This wasn’t supposed to happen for me, I am not asking for a lot, just what I am worth. That’s all I have ever asked in this past 6 years, is it too much to ask. I came to Ghana to contribute to society, to the economy. All I have had is Ghana force its BS down my throat, told me I am not good enough, push me down and gave me a good kick-in to boot. I gave up a scholarship to do the Legal Practise Course because I thought if I am excelling here, I could propel in Ghana, however I have just ended up broke and broken. But if I go back to London now, I would just be broken in the cold weather as opposed to the hot weather. So what do I do, stick it out, go back, try another country. I’ve been out for 6 years and well, being a demand planner here or there still keeps me at level 0. Either way it serves as a reminder that I haven’t grown, I have gone around in a circle and ended up right back where I started. But on the bright side, I am in way over my head because I have a house that may not be mine for much longer unless a miracle happens.

Yeah some people are going through worse, but I am not those people, I had a plan, it was going well, and then one lapse in judgement and not only did I come crashing down but now all the rubble is on top of me. So forgive me for being in this dark place, but I am not going to be mad at you for leaving me there as long as you don’t asked me to cheer up when I don’t feel so cheery.

So looks like it’s going to be a very bleak Christmas and unless a miracle happens, I may end up sleeping in my car, but hey ho, better than last year, I was unemployed, broke and my “fiancé” was treating me like an arse while chatting up some ghetto chick from Detroit. At least today, I have a job, I am just broke.

In the meantime, if anyone has $50,000 for me to pay off my house and pending debts, that would really cheer me up.